Marriage

Dear Friends

Marriage Question: How am I supposed to make a marriage work when my husband won't try? He won't talk and if I try to tell him something that is bothering me, he gets mad at me. There is no intimacy in our marriage as that is one of the problems that I tried to talk to him about yesterday. I tried to tell him that I wanted to be treated like a woman, not one of the guys and he got mad at me. He never just tells me that I'm pretty or that he loves me, never just gives me a hug or anything that is considered sweet. All affection is out the window and if I try to talk to him about it, I am the bad guy and he gets mad and refuses to talk to me. It makes me feel like I don't know how I ended up married to this guy, I just want to be happy and right now I am not at all.

Guidance: I understand your feelings. We women like to feel loved and appreciated by our husbands, and when they fail to "show" us that appreciation we start to become dejected and discontented. But let’s back up moment. Is there anything at all that we could do about the way we feel in marriage? Maybe we could be the initiator and try and be more caring towards our husband anyway. Or, maybe we can express ourselves in a productive way and let our husband’s know how we feel?

If we don’t do anything about our circumstances we become more and more discontented within ourselves and we’ll act out with those feelings in our behavior, and then our husbands REALLY don’t want to give us any affection. Uh oh, now what did I do? This is how breakdowns in communication get started. I know that for many wives it seems we’re the only ones who do anything for the marriage, but that’s mostly because our husbands really don’t think there is a problem, or they’re not sure themselves how to repair the problems.

It’s important in marriage that husband and wife take time out of their busy schedules to share a part of themselves with each other every single day! Our marriage can’t run on empty words. All marriages (no marriage is immune) go through periods where couples simply lose touch with one another. Why? Because couples take each other for granted. They don’t do it on purpose – it just happens overtime.

To stay spiritually fit and healthy we must study God’s Word daily and pray and get close with God because how can we have a relationship with Christ if we do not communicate with Him. The analogy is the same for marriage. You must daily share a part of yourself with your spouse every single day. Without the spiritual maintenance we lose touch with God - without the marriage maintenance, we lose touch with the one we chose to be married to for life.

Marriage needs love shown and acted out. The words "I love you" are nice to hear but couples in marriage also want to be shown love. Intimacy between couples gets lost somewhere out in left field because of the lack of togetherness that marriage needs to flourish. I’m not talking about sex here either; I’m talking about intimacy. Anytime couples are spending time together, whether it is on a picnic, a walk in the woods, playing a board game, etc, it constitutes together time, which is intimacy.

If your weekdays are busy and hectic then the weekend should be set aside just for the two of you, and if you have children include them, but make sure there is alone time for mom and dad too. Unfortunately some husbands just don’t know that their wives are unhappy about anything because she doesn’t speak up. I used to be that way. One thing that I have found in my own 24-year marriage is husbands can’t read our minds. We ladies can huff and puff, clatter around in the kitchen, throw dishes at the wall, etc, and our husbands will still be oblivious to anything wrong with the marriage. They just see it as us having a bad day. We have to sit them down and communicate our feelings to them in a good way.

Be assertive (not aggressive) with your feelings and tell your husband just how you feel, without having a tone in your voice. Be kind, nice, and loving. Remember our purpose for marriage is to be giving and loving, even if we are not always treated with that same respect. I know it’s often difficult to be nice to people when they have not been so nice to us, but it is the right way to do. Showing principled acts of love is not always going to be easy but if you first be the shining light on the hilltop, your will be rewarded for your goodness, so shine on.

You mentioned that he gets mad at you when you try to tell him something that is bothering you. I’ll tell you why. Your husband feels that you are blaming him for your unhappiness and that is why he gets mad. It does not make it right that he gets angry with you, but it is a defense mechanism. Your husband does not want to take the responsibility of a failing marriage. That is why you need to express your self in a different tactic by communicating without putting your negative feelings back onto your husband. Express yourself as being a part of the problems within the marriage. No one person is ever to blame for the disarray of a marriage.

Talk to your husband, let him know how much you appreciate all that he does for you, and spend more quality time together. Let your husband feel good about who he is as a man, husband, provider, etc, by reminding him of why you married him. Watch how later you will most likely receive some extra attention you weren’t expecting. Go out on dates, rent a hotel room for the weekend, go for walks in the woods or by the lake, in the mountains, but don’t allow your feelings to control you. Unhappiness is something that can be reversed by our loving actions.

Nine times out of ten, when you talk to your husband in a loving manner, expressing yourself and how you feel, he will come to realize he has not been the loving and giving husband he should be. And just because your husband has stopped giving affection does not mean that you cannot be the initiator and give your husband affection. A healthy marriage runs on all four batteries, physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental – make sure that all four batteries are recharged at least once a week. See the articles below for more about how you can bring more intimacy in your marriage.


Article Resources:
How To Bring Intimacy Back into Your Marriage
Marriage is a holy union....so many people have so many problems in this area. I have posted ANGIE'S MARRIAGE COLUMN FEBRUARY 2008 for you today. May it help you, bless you and restore you. Hugs Sharmaine