Angie’s Marriage Column ~ August 26, 2006
A Husband’s Porn Addiction
Ask Angie: My husband and I have been married for four and a half years and have been together for nearly seven. I was drawn to him initially because of his love for Christ. I had fallen away from God and was trying desperately to get my life back on track when I met him. We have one child together who is two and a half. When my daughter was about six months old I found out that he had been looking at pornography. It broke my heart. I hated that he had brought that garbage into our Christian home. He begged me not to leave him and promised he would not do it again. About six months later I found out he had been continuing to do it. I told him if this did not stop I would have to leave. Some time passed without either of us mentioning it, but our marriage began to crumble. He became distant and indifferent towards me and our daughter. I thought constantly about leaving him, but never had the courage to do it.
And now I have found out that he has not only been continuing to look at the pornography, and has been "using" it, instead of coming to me, but that he has been lying about it. I had been asking him directly if he had been looking at it, and he always told me no. I am so heart broken not only that he has been looking at and "using" it for his "needs," but mostly now that this addiction has made him start being untruthful with me. I told him yesterday I felt like I had to leave. He cried and begged me to stay. I still love him very much, and I am committed to our family. But I am concerned that if I stay, I am condoning this addiction and he will just do it again. I want him to know that I am serious. That it HAS to be me or the porn. Any advice? ~ Lost & Heart Broken
Marriage Guidance: I am truly sad for your situation. Porn addiction is not just something that only affects the person involved but it also affects the whole family and those who love them. Children are affected by a dad’s indifference and a wife is affected by the shame, rejection, and loss of intimacy with her husband. And the addict is affected by the shame, guilt, low self-esteem and lack of Christ in his life.
I encourage wives who are having similar issues in their marriage to print out this marriage column and read/study it with their husband’s. You can conquer addiction with God at the center of your life and marriage. Please click on all of the links within the article, which will offer more encouragement and help for pornography addiction.
Porn addiction is becoming more and more prevalent in marriage today. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the marriage is a supposed Christian marriage or not. The truth is if a Christ One is having trouble with porn addiction then my first thought to that person would be to rethink and review your Christian faith because a Christian should NOT be a slave to any sin, whether it is greed, anger or porn addiction.
God loves us and does not allow His children to become trapped within the insidiousness of addiction. When a person becomes addicted and controlled by something it will literally keep him or her further away from Jesus. And that’s exactly what addiction does. This is why the addict says they will never look again or use again but until they actually “give” their lives over to their source, Jesus Christ they will continue to lead their life controlled by whatever it is they are addicted to.
When an addict says they will never look again, drink again, or shoot up again, they are in denial. Only a person in denial would say such a thing because they will do it again! A person is powerless on their own to stop an addiction unless they get down on their knees in sincere sorrow and repent. They need God to overcome sexual addiction!
The addict may even believe they “do” want to quit the addiction. But the problem with that is they think they can quit on their own free will—just simply walk away from it. I’m here to tell you that without God we are nothing! Without the power of Christ working in our lives, it is impossible to quit an addiction or at the very least be happy and content person without it.
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. (Galatians 5:16-17)
What does this scripture mean, “live by the Spirit?” If you live each day controlled and led by the Holy Spirit (Jesus Christ) studying His words and praying for freedom against temptation, then the words of Christ will be in your heart and mind. And the love of Christ will be behind your actions, and the power of Christ will help you with your selfish desires. Do you see how that works? Live by the Spirit.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who BELONG to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with it passions and desires.
(Galatians 22-24)
If we profess to be followers of Christ, why then are we not following Him? The minute we take our eyes off of Jesus, stuff happens and our Christ-like character changes drastically. Have you taken your eyes off of Jesus? Is stuff happening in your Christian life that shouldn’t? If you aren’t following the example of Christ then whose example are you following?
Porn addiction is a delicate issue that takes a great deal of understanding before most people can even begin to get a firm grip on it. Some people take porn addiction with a lackadaisical attitude. They believe that as long as they aren’t involved in the physical act that it is not adultery. But looking at porn is adultery of the mind!
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28)
Jesus lets us know that when a man allows himself to be captivated by a woman’s beauty it will bring on lustful thoughts. If your mind is controlled by lust you will act out in lustful ways. You have now become prey each and every time you go back and view pornography. She (porn) now has control of your body and your mind and your spirit. You are being controlled by desires and lust. (Proverbs 6: 25-29).
Scripture tells us that the prostitute (women of porn) will reduce the man to a loaf of bread. It’s sad but true. Porn addiction is playing with fire.
A man absolutely needs to keep his eyes on Jesus! He has to continually pray about his feelings and ask Jesus to free him from lustful thoughts and temptations. But even more than that he has to give his whole life to Christ and in return Christ will free the porn addict from being enslaved to sin.
…And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it! (1 Corinthians 10:13)
But if a man is only half-heartedly giving his life to the Lord and being lackadaisical about his relationship with Christ then temptation will be more difficult to bear. In this culture that is filled with so much depravity you cannot let down your guard. Understand that strong temptations and desires happen to everyone, but not everyone succumbs to those desires. Why is that?
Because they run from temptation when it gets in front of them! They instantly ask God to help them in that moment of temptation and god helps them! Run from immorality and pray for God’s help with lust EVERY SINGLE DAY. Going to church once a week is not enough. You have to be the church, be the man of God that God wants you to be. Choose Christ’s love over the darkness in the world. Run from tempting situations.
Sometimes we’ll need to run from tempting situations so we’ll not be persuaded to sin. Running from sinful situations is a virtue of character. When we avoid those areas where satan has set his enticing traps we are using self-control, which is THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT –Christ is working in us!!
Flee from sexual immorality. (1 Corinthians 6:18)
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
If you hang around those types of people who rebel against God’s message of truth then stop being friends with them. It’s really that simple. It’s like an alcoholic who still keeps friends with drinking alcoholics. Don’t you think they will be tempted to drink by hanging around those who drink and have a “don’t care” attitude? If a person has quit drinking and they are trying to remain sober they certainly wouldn’t go visit old friends who are drinking, right? It’s the same way with porn addiction. You may have to lose some friends. But were they really that good of friends to begin with?
Run from temptation and any other situations that are tempting such as being on the computer, going to bars, sleazy magazines, or late night cable channels. Why allow these tempting areas to come between you and God? Get rid of them. Stow computers away for a while. Stay away from feeding grounds that advocate sexual immorality. Get rid of cable. Do what you need to do to help you with being tempted.
Choose new friends that you know love God and walk a righteous path. Choose friends who have had trouble with addiction in the past and have overcome it through Christ. They can help you on your spiritual journey towards love and happiness.
Addiction is an Emotional and Spiritual Sickness
Addiction is a sickness and God is our healer. When we take our life problems into our own hands and never humble ourselves to our source, Jesus Christ we remain sick and spiritually bankrupt. Pride deceives us into believing we can conquer addiction on our own, but pride gives us a false sense of security that keeps many people trapped in their addiction and past baggage. Don’t let pride do that to you. Get down on your knees today and ask God to free you of your afflictions.
God has the power to renew your spirit and will give you a renewed attitude full of new thoughts and new love—real love! Addiction is only a hurdle in your life. It is not something that is with your forever unless you allow it to be so. All addictions can be completely eradicated forever through the workings of Christ.
God wants you to choose. He wants you to choose Him over the desires of the world. God wants all of your life, not just those parts that you are willing to give to Him. Give Him ALL of your life, today! So now it is time for you to choose. Christ or addiction?
Close the door to temptation today! Download our free eBook Closing The Door To Temptation. Save it on your desktop and go back to it whenever you need encouragement and to hear God’s words of wisdom. Remember without Him we are nothing. With Him we become the people God meant for us to become.
God Bless!
Frank and Angie Lewis
