ANGIES MARRIAGE COLUMN FEBRUARY2009

Ask Angie: Angie, my husband is a Christian, and I just found out that he has been looking at porn on the Internet for about a month. How do I have a relationship with him after this? We went through this when we first got married 19 years ago...I don't think I can do it again!

Marriage Guidance: You have to see your husband underneath the cloak of this addiction. Addiction is not who he is but what he has allowed to filter into his heart and mind. You need to pray about his recovery and ask God to give you the strength to get through these hard times in your marriage.

Some husbands lie to themselves and believe its ok to look at naked women and men. But the truth is its not ok if you have stopped enjoying your wife. It’s not ok if you look forward to viewing women on the Internet instead of the woman you married and that God has blessed you with. It would be a good idea to print this marriage column out and read through it with your husband. Work together on this issue by being supportive and encouraging.

Try and be your husbands other half (help mate) rather than an antagonist. You both need to sit down and talk through this with respect and consideration of each others feelings. Some husbands are in denial and believe they don't have a problem with porn. But since you said your husband is a Christian or trying to be a Christian then he is not in denial and should work towards inner healing. Help him do that.

Pornography viewing is an addiction of the heart, mind and soul. It is a symptom of something greater going on within those who view it. Just as drinking is a symptom of alcoholism; viewing porn is a symptom of a sexual, emotional, and psychological issue going on within the mind of the viewer. He needs to figure out “what” the problem is within him (past issues) and tackle it head on through His Creator. Was he sexually abused as a child? Was his mom or dad an alcoholic who didn’t show him any love? Was he emotionally bruised from someone in his past as a child?

We all have issues from our past but we must grow away from these sufferings and learn from them. We can’t keep blaming our failings and weaknesses on our past – that’s not right. Grow up, be responsible and take accountability for your actions. If you have bruises that need healing, then heal them! You know what to do. But just in case you forgot, I will help you out a bit with some marriage guidance. Click on the article at end of marriage column, Pornography Addiction:

What Can A Man Do?

Lust is an unhealthy desire that takes a person away from that which is right and good. It does not matter if it is lusting after strangers on the Internet or a fleshly body in a secret place. To yearn for the flesh of another person other than who you are married is wrong thinking taking over your mind and eliminating the natural goodness that resides in man.

The evil one knows that by getting you to think and envision the lusty images in your mind first it will entice you to desire it. Once you take a peek, you look again, and again, until you can’t seem to get the immoral imagery away from your mind, and you become ensnared within it. If you think long enough, you become what you think. God says we are not to even THINK about these things in our mind.

“Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life”. Proverbs 25, 26

You are worth more than a loaf of bread, aren’t you? If you continue in your wrong thinking long enough, you will turn moldy. Are you going to let that happen? So if the act of adultery is wrong, then so is the intention. It is considered mental adultery and thus a sin! To be faithful to your spouse with your body, but not your mind is to break the trust that is so vital to marriage.

“There is nothing wrong with looking at porn, at least I’m not having an affair!”
Pornography for many is more justified than the physical act and if they get caught looking at it, all they have to say is, "well, at least I didn't have an affair."

WRONG! But you are having an affair each and every time you look at another woman or think of another woman in a lustful way! Don’t you get it; you are allowing naked strangers to control who you are. Is that who you are? I thought you were a child of God? He created you. What happened to respecting His choices for your life? Why are you disrespecting yourself by choosing to turn your back on God?

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.” 1Thessalonians 4, 3-5

The power to rid yourself of temptation and to remain faithful comes from what you believe. Therefore it does not rest in you alone but in your Creator. If you have been unfaithful to your wife by looking at other women, it is because you do not have the foggiest idea how to utilize the tools (gifts) God has given you. Otherwise you would not be addicted, right?
So, I say, live by the Spirit (The Spirit is Jesus Christ – Your Savior) and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit. (Galatians 5:16-17)

Virtually anyone can become addicted to porn if they allow their heart and mind to gravitate to it. Addiction doesn’t pick certain people to become controlled by it – it takes whoever wants to play; whoever is not trusting in God with their life. Porn addiction will take hold of your life just like any other addiction… if you don’t live by the Spirit of Jesus Christ.
What are the tools (gifts) from God that a man or woman can use against the power of porn addiction?

Faith to trust God with your life! God won’t let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. And He will provide a way out of temptation so you can stand up under it! Do you believe God can do that? Do you believe with that kind of faith? Then use it as a weapon next time you are tempted.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Loyalty, in all areas of marriage is a part of the giving process that you learn through allowing God's love and forgiveness into your heart and mind. When you accept what the Truth is, you can actually give of yourself and do it freely. It's really that simple. Accepting is on the same line as humbling oneself. If you humble yourself to God you are giving yourself to God. Once you actually release your sins to God, He will rid you of temptation. You see how that works?
How great is the love the Father lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. (1 John 3:1)

Are you a child of God? Then why do you look to the world (evil and sin) for reassurance of self? If the world is where you look for truth, you will believe what the world says, and probably be weak in your sin again. As with any addiction we are powerless to defeat it on our own. The world justifies sin and makes people believe its ok to rebel against God.

It is God's will that all marriages be built upon the rock of loyalty and when you remain steadfast and loyal to your spouse, even through the hardships, you are allowing God to give you the understanding you need to remain faithful. By trusting in what God says for your marriage, you are less tempted to stray from the marriage, whether in the physical act or through pornography.

Therefore, you must stop looking to society for the answers. Faith comes from believing in what you cannot see with your eyes, bringing those beliefs into the heart and acting upon them with passion. Having and utilizing the power of faith is an individual matter that is gained by your own personal relationship with God. Make God your Captain.
Jesus Christ will free the man or woman from bondage when he or she believes and trusts God with His life. You can find your way home – Jesus is waiting for you to come follow Him.

Remember true repentance means we must change how our heart and mind thinks. What we think we believe. For what a man thinks he becomes.

Dear Friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul (1 Peter 2:11)

BLESSINGS IN ABUNDANCE!!!

CHANGE

Courage To Change The Things We Can
By Angie Lewis

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.

This is a very powerful statement and very good principles to live our life by, even if we don’t have a drinking problem. There are many things in our life, marriage, and our relationships that we would like to change, and we spend countless hours, and spend great amounts of energy trying to control and change people and circumstances.

Why are we doing this? Why can’t we just accept people for who they are and accept circumstances and outcomes how they happen? Why must we continually try and control what is obviously out of our power to change? Perhaps we aren’t asking God to help us with accepting some of the people we have relationships with. Maybe we have not put our faith in God to just let him control the outcome of circumstances.

God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6Perhaps we think we can control and manipulte our spouse, boss, friends and family. Maybe we think we can change them to be the people we think they should be for us.

But all this does is cause strife and contention with the people were supposed to be loving and respecting. Have we prayed for God to give us the serenity to accept our spouse just the way he or she is? Or are we still leaning on our own understanding and wisdom?Let’s ask God to give us the courage to change the things we can and accept people for who they are. Wouldn’t that be better? What are some of the things that we can change? We can change ourselves, and we can work at changing the outcomes of circumstances that we initiated. Anything else would be controlling, manipulating and abusing people to be what we think they should be. Let’s pray for the courage to change what we can about ourselves; focus on changing the consequences of our actions by the spirit of courage given to us by God.

All we have to do is ask. If we truly want to accept the things we cannot change we first must be willing to give up the control if it. We must acknowledge our Lord and place our faith in His promise for us and then we will be given the courage to change ourselves. I thought, “Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.” But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty that gives them understanding.

Job 32: 7-8Where does wisdom come from? Do you think wisdom is something we gain through the years or something we learn by just reading scripture? God says wisdom comes from the spirit within us. The Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ gives us the wisdom and understanding to know the difference between what we can change and what we cannot change. We can read about wisdom but it is a gift from God given to those who put their faith and trust in Him. God gives us the wisdom to know the difference. Can I change my alcoholic spouse and control their drinking habits? Can I make my adult child be a doctor instead of an accountant? Can I make my friends do what I want? We can try to control and change people in this way, but what is the use if it causes contention, bitterness and strife between us?

That is not of God. These are the things we cannot change. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28We must learn to acknowledge the things we cannot change so we can be free to love without control. For instance, we cannot make our alcoholic spouse stop drinking but we can change how we react to the alcoholic when they are drinking. We don’t have to enable him or her any longer; we can have the courage to change our behavior towards them. We cannot make our friends do whatever we want because that would be selfish and wrong. But we can ask God for the courage to change our feelings about the things we do with our friends.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

REMEBER GOD AND I LOVE YOU!

CHANGE